Kain Campaign #28 - Divine In-Tree-Vention!


Say, Curtis, you see something up thur at the top o’ yonder Whistlin’ Maple? It’s hard to make out, but it looks like maybe Bonobo’s gone and found a cloister of exclusive followers to help perform that ritual Arkmoto was blabbering on about earlier. Oh, to be a friend o’ Bonobo. Living the privileged life… What’s that, Curt? You know, I think yer right. That does look like some sort of kerfuffle is occurring atop that majestic tree o’ ours. And now that ye mention it, there does appear to be some sort of green, dragon-looking feller plummeting toward the ground at presumably terminal velocity. Tho’ I dun’t claim to be no physicist. I’ll leave that determination up ta the powers that be….

Yes this week our heroes find themselves atop the mighty central tree, face to face with the eponymous Bonobo! Well, face to faces of those that Bonobo has psychically infected. With Lo’Kron’s luck about to run out, and Dap’s “beloved” “brother” caught in the middle of this showdown, the party must band together like never before if they want to get out alive. Listen in to the Season 2 Finale in Episode 28 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #27 - Hello, Moto!

Friends of Bonobo! We are gathered here today to celebrate a momentous occasion! All your hard work has been leading to this Bono-blessed day. The sprouting of this tree will mark the culmination of your Bono-beneficent leader’s Bono-brilliant plan to spread word. The word of Bonobo! No more Bono-biting our tongues or Bono-biding our time. For now is our time. My father did not send me here from the Nine Hells Theater Troupe to fail at my first re-Bono-branding campaign! With this ritual completed, Bonobo’s name will be on everyone’s lips until their dying Bono-breath...

This week our heroes have discovered the truth about the psionic virus that is Bonobo, but is it too late for the already infected Lo’Kron? Granted, he’s already pretty crazy, so maybe a little more won’t hurt. Even then, the party must find a way to free the hypnotized villagers from Bonobo’s lip grip and stop the disease from spreading. Plus, what’s Ark’s bro doing hanging around with psionic viruses anyway? The party will probably gently suggest to him that he should change his ways. Or, ya know, maybe try something a little more aggresive. All this and spider nipples in Episode 27 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #26 - Epic Litter-ature!

Alright, first pick up of the day is The Surly Burly Man.

Gods, that place is filthy. And I don’t mean that as any sort of judgement or characterization of the sexual orientation of the patrons of that particular establishment. I’m simply saying that they don’t seem to hold themselves to the same hygienic standards as the rest of us followers of Bonobo.

Though they may yet have Bonobo’s wisdom smile upon them. My listless brother-in-law, Mykkal used to frequent The SB Man. He was in his cups more often than not, and my wife was distraught that she could have a brother so antithetical to the spirit of Bonobo. But damn if it wasn’t just last week that Mykkal came over in a spotless suit of clothes, preaching the word of Bonobo, and singing songs of the great works which he would accomplish in Bonobo’s name. I suppose it’s really a testament to Bonobo’s amazing leadership abilities.

You know, I may just be a lowly trash collector, but today I’m singing the gospel of Bonobo to everyone I meet. Starting with this alley-vagrant and his tricorn hat-wearing trash pile here...

This week our heroes learn about this Bonobo character everyone’s been harping on about. Turns out it’s more than just the name of the town... But mystery and conspiracy couldn’t be farther from Window’s mind, as it comes to terms with its recent homicidal actions. Can Window turn itself down the path of righteousness and pacifism? Not if Simon has anything to say about it! Listen in to the surprisingly legitimate character development in Episode 26 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #25 - Stabbin' In The Woods

Dear Diary,

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be one of them. Not some podunk barkeep like my momma and her daddy before her. It’s not what I’d call the grandiose life, and I can’t help but feel downtrod seeing all those white-robed folks parading around town lately. I mean, I know Bonobo’s great and all, but I sure as shoot don’t know what hiddly piddly they’re getting up to in that tree. Seems to me they’re putting on airs that their asses can’t cash, but damned if it don’t seem like the good life. Well, I guess I’ll just get back to spiking the ale with coal dust. Gives it that extra carbony flavor. Hopefully some high-class adventurers will come through town soon and give me a new lease on this small-town life...

This week our adventurers find themselves received as welcome guests and not imprisoned fugitives for a change. Yes, the Town of Bonobo welcomes all kinds, provided you are willing to work for your stay. So things may prove a bit hairy for our lackadaisical adventurers, especially after they hear what’s been going on around town. All this and a tavern called The Surly Burly Man in Episode 25 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #24 - Storm of the Eye

Barnabus Medical Journal entry #2694:

32nd of Arthember

Blood Pressure: More elevated than usual

Cloaca: More elevated than usual (by my direction)

The lord has received many contusions and lacerations throughout his short sixteen years on this planet, though I fear we may have reached the point of no return with this latest bout of… “cramping.” The lord exhibits symptoms typical of the birthing process, but by the fangs in my maw, I cannot figure out from whence this “child” arrived. Not to say that the lord is unpopular, but the odds of him copulating with another living being are only slightly better than the odds of him successfully murdering his father. Which is to say, zilch. Perhaps it was from that strange relationship he had with that fire-halfing. They did engage in an awful lot of dexterity contests…

Yes, our heroes find themselves out of their comfort zones this week. Simon continues his beef with the artist formerly known as Stormsbane, while Dap deals with the miracle of birth. And throughout it all Lo’Kron mourns the loss of his sweet sweet grip tape. All this and bees on Episode 24 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #23 - Elementally Schooled!

Ladies and gentlemen! This Sunday Sunday Sunday! Get ready for an arena packed full of Action Action Action! Four fugitives face all that the elements have to throw at them to prove their ability to handle all that the elements have to throw at them! This Sunday Sunday Sunday! A face off unlike any you’ve ever seen in the Thunder Dome! Now with actual Thunder! In an actual Dome! Get ready for your heart to jump up out of your chest and steal your wallet to go buy more beer because you’re gonna need it! This Sunday Sunday Sunday!

Yes, this Sunday our adventurers face their greatest test yet: A test! The Council of Elements has seen fit to judge our heroes on their ability to work as a team in harmony with the world around them. The same basic test that any cadet of the Elemental Garrison must pass. So easy a child could do it. You see where I’m going with this… Tune in to find out all the new ways the party signs their own death warrants in Episode 23 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #22 - Twelve Angry Birds

Now gentlemen, I truly must object; we’re all reasonable beings here! I may just be a simple Kain tree-lawyer, but I’ll be disbarred before I see those young (and old) misguided boys thrown unduly to the wind without a fair shake at a trial! Yes, they may have unleashed the true heat of the Flame Spirit upon the land, but I can say without a reasonable doubt that I would not be here talking to you today, man to animated-tree, if it weren’t for those boys and The Growth that they seeded. And so, Mr. Dakon Stormsbane, leader of the Elemental Garrison, sir, if you’ll please excuse me, before I defend these boys in court I must procure a leaf-suit and bowtie befitting a tree of the law. Good day.

This week the party finds themselves on trial before a jury of their peers. Well, a jury of their betters. Yes, the Elemental Council has a few questions for our heroes, but legal proceedings and verbal trickery aren’t all that awaits them. New allies and old adversaries crawl out of the woodwork (some more literally than others). Will our beloved adventurers be judged innocent or sentenced to a life of being executed? Find out on Episode 22 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #21 - Jail Wait!

Can you believe zis, Ren? Zis gods-forsaken pile of trash iz full of bees! When zey told us to search it for weapons, I thought it was just Stormsbane being an ass as usual. I know you think he’s so respectable and just, Ren, but he’s just another pig-headed boss who doesn’t see farther than the end of his own sword. Who arrests a garbage heap? Does he think it had something to do with releasing ze fire spirit? Even if zese bags did have something to do with Ze Growth, what possible punishment could we sentence zis trash to? Twenty years in solitary can-finement?

This week our adventurers find themselves stuck between a cloud and hard place. In a twist of fate, they’re finally being held responsible for their actions - a new experience for Dap for certain. After unleashing the true force of the Fire Spirit upon the land, the Elemental Garrison had a few choice words for them. Namely “under” and “arrest.” The gang has the right to remain silent, but they waive the hell out of that right in Episode 21 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #20 - Fire & Dice!

Fire Spirit Construct V1.2 Operations Manual

Congratulations on the purchase of your brand new Fire Spirit Construct! Over the next 497 pages, we will cover the assembly, operation, and maintenance of your brand new construct. Owning your own manifestation of the Fire Spirit’s elemental power is an exciting feeling, but before we move on to the assembly instructions, a word of warning: Never adjust the flow rate on the furnace bellows while piloting the FSCV1.2. These settings have been finely tuned by Tinder artificers to operate at a “good reasonable flow rate.” We cannot stress enough that even if you and your copilots are being attacked some sort of gargantuan iceberg serpent, you should certainly not turn this flow rate to its maximum setting as it could have catastrophic consequences…

Alright! Let’s get into the assembly instructions. First find your allen wrench…

This week our heroes find themselves in every 10-year-old’s dream of piloting a giant megazord-esque construct. Will they be able to come together as a team to dispose of their icy foes once and for all? Or will they bicker amongst themselves and blunder their way through? Take a wild guess… Listen in to all the accidentally awesome action in Episode 20 of The Kain Campaign!


Kain Campaign #19 - Dakon Care of Business!

HQ to Stormsbane. Come in, Stormsbane. What’s your status? … …. I don’t know, Gareth. He’s been down there a while. I know he’s the leader, but it seems awfully dangerous leaving behind all his backup, shaking hands with an iceberg he’s never even met before, and getting sucked into some sort of ice dungeon. Sure he’s super strong and well stocked on the potion front, but what if he meets a horde of angry spiders? Or an unethical sauna salesmen? Or worse… a group of wannabe heroes?

This week our wannabe heroes find themselves rudely awakened by none other than Dakon Stormsbane, Leader of the Elemental Garrison. And what does the party do to people who try to save their lives? The same thing they do to everybody! Try to kill them. To be fair, there was some polite ordering around on Dakon’s part, which is pretty rude and violence-worthy if you think about it. Oh and Wick has a revelation, but nobody really cares about that. All this and more in Episode 19 of The Kain Campaign!