Kain Campaign #13 - Psionic Prom Part II

Alright, you miscreants. As long as I’m the Dean of Discipline at Kain Psionic High, you lot of troublemakers won’t be seeing another high school dance until you’re chaperoning your own childrens’ prom. I’d stop you from even doing that, but I’m just assuming that I’ll be dead by then. It’s not morbid or anything, it’s just a tough life in the Kain Empire, you know? One day you’re chastising a group of troubled youths, and the next thing you know, you’re wrapped up in some sort of duel to the death with a psionic projection of this year’s hottest theater star, Johnny Angel. I mean, that’s just one example, obviously, but you never know.

This week our adventurers lay it all on the line in hopes of being crowned King and Queen (or King and King, or King and Trash) of Psionic Prom. They’ll laugh! They’ll love! And they might even learn a thing or two about subtly handling delicate social situations… Just kidding! They make asses of themselves. But at least they look good doing it! All this and more in Episode 13 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #12 - Psionic Prom Part I

No no! Now it’s uneven again! Raise the left side a little… There, perfect! This banner looks totally sweet, and “Third Eyes Wide Shut,” is such a killer prom theme! I like, can’t even stand how excited I am for this year’s psionic prom. It’s going to make last year’s prom look as bad as Becky Frostbane looked at last year’s prom. Oh sorry, Becky, I forgot I was talking to you. But this prom is going to be off the hook, is what I’m saying!

I think my favorite part is the big Psi-Ball game. Terren promised me he’d score a point for me! Isn’t that romantic? I mean, he’s obviously going to win! He’s like the best battlemind in school. His mind and body are like totally one! Like, they’re like even less than one. His mind and body are like half! Those nerdy psion kids don’t even stand a chance. The only thing I’m worried about is that Terren is like super scared of spiders. Especially big white, flame-resistant spiders. And trashbags for some reason. Thankfully he won’t have to face any of those things on the field!

This week our adventurers get a makeover so they don’t look like such shit! But seriously, we play dress up and then get messed up at the poshest school-sponsored event of the season: Psionic Prom! Join our heroes for all the non-life-threatening drama as they navigate the deep, dark delves of high school social politics. But which pairing will win the coveted title of Prom Royalty? Find out in Episode 12 of The Kain Campaign!


Kain Campaign #11 - All That Glitters… Can Be Used As A Weapon!

Who’s a pretty little gold piece? You are! Yes you are! I love you and all your brother and sister gold pieces too! Even your cousins shaped into magical swords and beautiful chalices - you’re all precious to me! You are my glimmering children, and I will protect you forever and ever in my soon-to-be underwater hoard, where nobody will ever disturb us.

You’re so much prettier and more well behaved than those stinking, idiot goblins. And I never have to worry about you betraying me! That couldn’t possibly happen in a million years. I mean, ha!, you’re just inanimate pieces of metal and gems. I suppose in theory a heroic, clever, and extremely handsome adventurer could combine his blood with you inside my magical Our-Glass to give form and purpose to your mass, ultimately using you against me in an epic struggle to the death...

But what are the odds of that happening?!

Our Dra-Goblin slaying quest literally reaches its zenith this week as our adventurers continue their fiery combat with Gary the Good and Barry the Best. Can our heroes remain unexploded long enough to stop Gary and his somewhat small-potatoes plan to destroy the village of Undercurrent? Will Arkmenos finally use his bats to accomplish a simple task? Will Barry and Dap continue their whirlwind romance even after one of them dies brutally? Alright, I’ll tell you that the last one doesn’t happen. But those first two might! So listen in to Episode 11 of The Kain Campaign!

Our art this week is another awesome drawing by Joseph Garcia! And as always, check him out on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram!

Kain Campaign #10 - Beauty Is In The Mouth Of The Beholder!

Oh Gary, you made me hairy! To keep me warm while I guard your icy lair!

Oh Gary, you made me wary! To better guard your spiral stair!

Oh Gary, you made me scary! So no one would want to be my friend!

Oh Gary… I can’t eat dairy! Or else I burp out of all five ends…

Well, my song about Gary sure is coming along! I wonder when he’ll let me sing it for him. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him! The goblins that lugged those fishy smelling barrels into the basement probably got to see him… I wonder why Gary would allow them to hang out with his majestic self while I’m just floating in this spiral staircase. I know that I’ve got to protect this hatch to his beloved hoard at all costs, but I can only write bawdy accounts of Gary and my future exploits for so long. I’m running out of ice wall! Wait, I think I hear a party of adventurers coming down the spiral staircase! Maybe Gary sent them to be my friends!

This week our heroes find themselves face to face and mouth to mouths with one of Gary’s strangest (and friendliest) creations! Will they immediately kill this lovingly-crafted NPC like they have with almost every other creation of David’s? I’m not bitter. Shut up! Listen in and find out on Episode 10 of The Kain Campaign!

And a shoutout to Joseph Garcia, who drew the above awesome picture of Gerold, who you will have the pleasure of meeting this episode! Check him out on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram!

Kain Campaign #9 - Family Matters!


Kids, stop fighting! No you cannot have another psionic warhammer! You haven’t even used the shapeshifting amulet that your father made you for your birthday. Do you think highly advanced psionic technology grows on trees? Your father slaved for hours over his forge to make these presents for you. We may be separated, but that doesn’t mean that you can play one of us against the other. I used to be your age, and I know every trick in the book. Psionically projecting an illusory version of yourself in bed while you sneak out to party, using pyrokinesis to make it seem like you have a fever, breaking into a goblin-dragon’s secret lair using a glowing pendant as a jerry-rigged teleporter… I know them all!

This week our adventurers continue their dungeon crawl through Gary the Good Goblin’s mountain lair while enlisting the help of Moko the blacksmith/Dap’s stand-in father figure. But how will Dap fair when Moko's real son joins the fray? Not well! The family drama heats up in Episode 9 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #8 - Infiltr-8-tion!

And what does Gary the Good Goblin always say? Wait… ummmm… I had it. I just was… I swear, it was on the tip of my tongue. Oh gods! We’ll never get into the hideout if we can’t remember the secret password. Gunk will have our hides for this. And our organs too, yes, thank you for reminding me, Giln.

You know you’re partially to blame for this too. If we hadn’t snuck away from the teambuilding retreat, we wouldn’t be in this situation. I hate trust falls as much as the next goblin, but at least there were snacks. This day long trek through the icy wilderness wasn’t exactly a walk in the park -- whatever a park is. But you know, it all would have been alright, if you would have remembered the blasted secret password to get into our blasted secret mountain lair!

Sorry I snapped, Giln… It’s not you. Grabnet and I have been on the rocks lately, and little Grinit didn’t make it past her first week in Gary’s Trap-Training Goblin School. But it’s unfair of me to take it out on you. Oh look, there’s someone coming over the horizon there. I bet it’s our goblin compatriots and not a band of adventurers bent on destroying everything that we goblins know and love. Ho, there, friend-ACK! My larynx!

This week, our adventurers infiltrate Gary the Good Goblin’s not-so-secret lair on their mission to rescue the remaining members of Maart's family and solve the mystery of the missing spark salmon. Join them for lots of spider-filled action and pants-soiling fun on Episode 8 of The Kain Campaign!


Kain Campaign #7 - Taking Pun For The Team!


Welcome! Welcome, my new friends! You in the back, please remember to grab a name tag. Alright, let’s all settle in!

Many of you may be thinking, why am I here? Who are all these goblins? Why do I feel so depressed about my current lot in life? Well, these are all questions that I will help you to answer today!

I used to be just like you: nervous, lacking confidence, easily manipulated by others for their personal gain, stupid, dim-witted, not very bright, and above all dumb. But I’ve found a way to change all that! Through the power of self-esteem! With a few simple motivational techniques, I can teach you how to be the very best you that you can be! And the best part is, only about 25% of you will die in the process!

This week, our adventurers find themselves smack dab in the middle of a goblin team-building retreat in the hopes of infiltrating the goblin horde and rescuing Maart’s marketing-minded mother. Let’s hope that Dap doesn’t say or do anything stupid that might ruin the subtlety of the infiltration… Spoiler alert: he does! Listen in and find out what it’s like to be a goblin in Episode 7 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #6 - Shrimp-ly Marvelous!


Well’m, my momma always did tell me that thur weren’t much in life more versa-tile than the unassumin’, ocean-dwellin’ shrimp. Ya see, momma knew more about shrimp than most people know about breathin’, and she’d always be eager to tell ya her favorite uses them lil’ pink fellas. She loved eatin’ shrimp, cookin’ shrimp, ridin’ on top of giant shrimp, usin’ shrimp in a comedic refer-ence to a classic film that many folks have strong feelins about one way er the uther... I tell ya whut, momma could go on fer days about them shrimp!

In case you couldn’t already tell, shrimp is on the menu in this week’s episode of The Kain Campaign. Amid their investigation into The Head & The Heart Marketing Firm, our gang of adventurers finds themselves sidetracked by a 12-fingered shrimp captain and his love of shellfish-related humor. I promise that some actual plot development happens once we’ve made sure that no more prawn-puns have eluded us. Dap even finds a reason to become enraged that is only slightly related to his daddy issues! Find out what’s getting his ire up on Episode 6 of The Kain Campaign!

Kain Campaign #5 - Five For Fighting!


Avast, Mateys!

Dun’t ferrget, yer aboard my ship, and on me ship, me word is law! So dun’t go gettin’ no ideas about stealin' away me captain-hood. Or me four-cornered hat neither! And dun’t ye dare comment on me somewhat sporadic use of sailor colloquialisms! If ye be implying that I’m simply an average chap attemptin’ te maintain a certain facade in the context of a humorous textual blog entry… Then… Walk the plank! and so forth!

And ye definitely dun’t want to think about challenging me to a duel fer control o’ me ship. If ye do, ye’ll be sorry! Because me ability scores are higher than a crow’s nest! See?! That was another fine example of sailor-esque jargon!

This week our adventurers find themselves arbitrarily pitted against the four-corned captain of… some ship that doesn't have a name. It’s almost as if fate had not intended for there to be a combat session aboard this ship. But when has fate ever been able to predict the behavior of blood-thirsty Arkmenos and his swashbuckling, flower-eating companions? Listen in for some action-packed adventuring and slightly-plot-furthering investigations in Episode 5 of the Kain Campaign!  

Kain Campaign #4 - Home Four Sale!


Beautiful cabin compound nestled among magically-sustained forest!

Do you miss the mild woodlands of your elven home? Do you oversleep for lack of tittering birds outside your window? Is your garden a dreary shade of white and somewhat more frozen than you would prefer? Then this one-bedroom forest compound  is the place for you!

Plucked straight from the balmy forests of Fylara, this cozy gem of a home has all the amenities any wizard could want:

  • Alchemical lab complete with reagent storage facilities

  • Magical workshop with enchanted door-lock

  • Combination greenhouse and aviary

  • Natural stone fireplace fully furnished with eternal-flame charm

  • Bowling alley with built-in snack machine!

Looking for a place to settle down after years of adventuring? Look no further! After being cared for by a very capable wizard for many years, she is now looking to sell her forest home as well as the forest she created! The compound comes replete with the finest snowmen-home-security system magic can animate!

Schedule a tour today or stop by unannounced and rob/partially incinerate the place in your search for dragon-related information! For more details check out Episode 4 of The Kain Campaign!