See You In Hell! - A Farewell to Arkmenos!

SPOILER ALERT: If you've listened to Episode 14 of The Kain Campaign, then you've heard the news. Ark has left to pursue his career in showbiz. And he took all the gold and the only NPC that wasn't universally hated with him...

And so, to commemorate our love for Ark, Austin, and character art, we present our going away present to Austin! See you in hell, buddy. See you in hell.

Kain Campaign #11 - All That Glitters… Can Be Used As A Weapon!

Who’s a pretty little gold piece? You are! Yes you are! I love you and all your brother and sister gold pieces too! Even your cousins shaped into magical swords and beautiful chalices - you’re all precious to me! You are my glimmering children, and I will protect you forever and ever in my soon-to-be underwater hoard, where nobody will ever disturb us.

You’re so much prettier and more well behaved than those stinking, idiot goblins. And I never have to worry about you betraying me! That couldn’t possibly happen in a million years. I mean, ha!, you’re just inanimate pieces of metal and gems. I suppose in theory a heroic, clever, and extremely handsome adventurer could combine his blood with you inside my magical Our-Glass to give form and purpose to your mass, ultimately using you against me in an epic struggle to the death...

But what are the odds of that happening?!

Our Dra-Goblin slaying quest literally reaches its zenith this week as our adventurers continue their fiery combat with Gary the Good and Barry the Best. Can our heroes remain unexploded long enough to stop Gary and his somewhat small-potatoes plan to destroy the village of Undercurrent? Will Arkmenos finally use his bats to accomplish a simple task? Will Barry and Dap continue their whirlwind romance even after one of them dies brutally? Alright, I’ll tell you that the last one doesn’t happen. But those first two might! So listen in to Episode 11 of The Kain Campaign!

Our art this week is another awesome drawing by Joseph Garcia! And as always, check him out on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram!

Kain Campaign #10 - Beauty Is In The Mouth Of The Beholder!

Oh Gary, you made me hairy! To keep me warm while I guard your icy lair!

Oh Gary, you made me wary! To better guard your spiral stair!

Oh Gary, you made me scary! So no one would want to be my friend!

Oh Gary… I can’t eat dairy! Or else I burp out of all five ends…

Well, my song about Gary sure is coming along! I wonder when he’ll let me sing it for him. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him! The goblins that lugged those fishy smelling barrels into the basement probably got to see him… I wonder why Gary would allow them to hang out with his majestic self while I’m just floating in this spiral staircase. I know that I’ve got to protect this hatch to his beloved hoard at all costs, but I can only write bawdy accounts of Gary and my future exploits for so long. I’m running out of ice wall! Wait, I think I hear a party of adventurers coming down the spiral staircase! Maybe Gary sent them to be my friends!

This week our heroes find themselves face to face and mouth to mouths with one of Gary’s strangest (and friendliest) creations! Will they immediately kill this lovingly-crafted NPC like they have with almost every other creation of David’s? I’m not bitter. Shut up! Listen in and find out on Episode 10 of The Kain Campaign!

And a shoutout to Joseph Garcia, who drew the above awesome picture of Gerold, who you will have the pleasure of meeting this episode! Check him out on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram!

Listen Up! Kain Campaign Theme (Full Version)


You asked and we answered! Well, at least one of you asked, but we're answering all of you since direct-to-listener customized podcasting is only possible through the use of ancient and terrible magic known only to necromancers named Jasper. But I digress...

Our very own Sean has lovingly crafted this tune for our campaign, whilst Patrick and David gave helpful direction by shouting words at him such as "More intense!" and "Dungeon-ier!" It was a group effort.

Without further ado, we present to you the Kain Campaign Theme!

Epic Trash Talk - Interview with an Elemental Trash Wizard

Jonabeth Ferzilwick ~ The Weekly Wonk

When I first met Window he could not have been more unassuming. Window is, after all, trash.

This is not meant as an insult. Window is literally three burlap trash bags stacked on top of one another. In fact, the only human characteristic Window possesses is a debonair tricorner hat and the subtle mystique often seen in true celebrities.

Window spoke with us about fame, fortune, the hat and more in a recent interview with your very own Jonabeth Ferzilwick on Brethfember,  fortytwelfth of this year.  This was no easy feat, as it is rumored that Window only speaks six different words. Whether this stems from a small vocabulary (though arguably quite large compared to other trash piles) or a wish to keep his comments out of the tabloids, it is still unclear.

-  -  -

Thank you for meeting with me, Window. First of all, we all know you were born from a pile of trash after a stray bolt in a wizard duel hit your bags, imbuing you with the gift of life, but where does the name Window come from?



Yes. We know.


Indeed. Moving on... you’ve become quite the celebrity. To what do you attribute this sudden surge in popularity?


That’s true. So what you’re saying is that you’ve become a celebrity simply because you are Window?


Fascinating! Let’s talk about the hat.


But Window, the public wants to know.


Why the tricorner? Would you say that the three corners represent the trichotomy of good and evil and trash in us all?


Beautifully said.


Now... I don’t want to add to the rumor mill, but I’ve heard that you can be quite the blustery lothario in the bedroom. Emphasis on blustery. Would you care to comment on these rumors?


So you’re not denying that you spent a fortnight with seven mermaids at the Sea Shanty Suites on the night of Clocktober twentyeleventh?


Impressive. Finally and more seriously, adventurers such as yourself often find themselves in situations that require the use of deadly force. How do you cope with taking a life and the potential condemnation that comes with that?


A fine answer. Nuanced, yet to the point. Illuminating the duality of right and wrong that so many of us grapple with. Is there anything else you’d like our readers to know about you?


-  -  -

Alas, my time with Window was all too short lived. Several bards approached our table at the tavern and began to sing tales of his (its?) great exploits, quickly making conversation impossible.

As I watched Window evoke an Eldritch blast, blow a hole in the Tavern wall and blow-float nonchalantly out into the cold Kain wind, I couldn’t help but ponder over the many questions that still surround him:

Does Window have a gender? Does he/she/it need sleep or use the bathroom? Can Window be killed? Can Window love? But most importantly, can Window become the hero we all hope for?

In the end, perhaps that unknowable nature is the true, ineffable appeal of Window. But, unknowable or not, it is certain that this windblown pile of sentient trash will continue to captivate our hearts and fill our noses for years to come.

To follow Window’s exploits along with his party of trusted, more conventionally sentient companions, listen to the Kain Campaign podcast here!